his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You took a bar mat shot.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
