Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
