So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
