i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
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Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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