I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
