Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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