My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dick very happy bro
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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