I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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