sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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