I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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