You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
