is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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