Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
