my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
