youre lurking in front of me
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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