don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
