I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Panties = found
Randomize
