the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
