Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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