From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
