Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
