as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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