The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
