I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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