I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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