We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Someone came in the potted fern
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
