deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
