My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
