you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
