Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
