I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
