Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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