He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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