people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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