To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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