Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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