Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
