Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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