he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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