My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
