Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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