Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize