it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
