I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize