just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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