God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He did a backflip because drugs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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