i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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