Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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