It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
