so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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