handjob tips. give me some.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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