Jerry, you need to find god
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
