so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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